Loss and Love

Note: The following post may be a bit TMI for some...I apologize in advance...

Just this past Thanksgiving, I was lucky enough to have Paul and all the kids home for the week.  It was filled with quite a bit family time and the kids enjoying some time with their friends.  I was feeling a bit strange during the week, but we still managed to get our enchiladas/rice/beans and ham/potatoes prepped and cooked for our Thanksgiving meal (we are not big turkey fans).

A few days later, I still could not shake off this feeling in my stomach and it was starting to become uncomfortable and causing fatigue.  Realizing this was the 2nd time in my life I had had these "pains", I had finally asked Paul if he wouldn't mind running out and getting me a pregnancy test.  The mere act of asking him for this almost brought me to tears and I could see on his face the overwhelming concern as well.  [To any of you youngin's out there, ie: my nieces;  birth control can fail and yes, condoms CAN break...]  Off he went and was back in minutes.  A few minutes later I was waiting for results.  Then the tears really came...the test came back positive.

So many things began running through my head.  I was possibly for the first time in my life happy, sad and mad all at the exact same time.  Happy because of the immediate love for another life growing within.  Sad because I wasn't sure I wanted to share this experience with anyone other than Sophia.  Mad because HOW could this happen?!?!  I felt so out of control--a feeling I do not deal with well.  We were being careful, we are not prepared for SIX kids; why was this happening now?  After about 15 minutes, Paul came looking for me.  We both sat on the bathroom floor while he let me cry on his shoulder.  Not really saying anything, but both just scared of how, in that moment, our lives just made yet another dramatic change.

It took me a few days to call and schedule an appointment with the doctor.  I was just in a complete state of disbelief.  We had decided not to tell the kids...just in case, plus we didn't know how far along we were just yet.  I was able to get into the doctor after about 5 days since the at-home test.  I went in for the ultra sound and that's when I started getting yet another uneasy feeling.  The technician was unable to see the baby on the ultra sound so they had me take some blood tests to confirm the pregnancy.

Three blood tests over the next 10 days.  The outcome:  I was pregnant (less than 5 weeks along when I first went in).  Then we learned that the hcg levels were going down with every blood test.  I started fearing the worst which was also confirmed a few days after the last blood test.  I had started spotting over Christmas.  My baby was miscarried and my body was dealing with the loss.  The doctor felt that as long as my body was going through a natural process, a DNC would not be necessary.  The feeling of anger once again.  I was mad at myself for being sad when we had the positive at-home test.  I couldn't help but feel if I was more joyful about the pregnancy, I wouldn't be going through a miscarriage.

I remember, years ago, when I was told I likely would never be able to conceive; I used to think to myself: 'I may never be able to get pregnant, but at least I've never had to go through a miscarriage.'  I know we weren't all that far along, but I have decided it doesn't matter...a miscarriage sucks.  Plain and simple.  I've always considered myself pretty emotionally strong--in that I don't show my emotions all that much.  I can usually handle life and it's twists and turns.  It's not like we were 'planning' on getting pregnant, but I'll always wonder what it would have been like to meet this new little baby.  At first, I kind of just tried to shrug it off...I didn't want pity (and still, that is not what I'm looking for).  The beginning of the new year, though, I had to have my break down.  I'm sure my recent stream of emotions are from not only the emotional but physical loss.  Our kids still don't know about the pregnancy or the miscarriage--although I'm sure one day when they read this, they might think back and say, "Oh, that's why mom was a basket-case during that time."

Paul and I are firm believers that God doesn't give us struggles without also giving us ways to learn and grow from them...even though we may not know the lesson at the time.  I know He has His reasons for everything and I know I may never fully understand why I've lost so many important people in my life over the last 4 years.  I also know that I loved that baby and am so blessed to have the 5 children we do have walking on this earth and a loving husband that, although just as equally scared as I am at times, has become my rock when I can't help but feel weak.